Always saying what shouldn’t be said. Always doing things that shouldn’t be done. Always feeling like the world is breaking down. Always wishing for things that will never be. Always looking for the best in people. Always trusting too much. Always looking past the signals. Always living there and not here. Always being wrong. Always wishing to be right. Always.
It’s amazing what a release singing is. How it’s a purge of everything you’re too scared to say to anyone, even yourself. But to let go and sing, to let your soul breathe — that is a saving grace in itself.
Am I mad? No. Am I sad? A bit. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I going to get over it? I think I already am. Not to downplay what it meant, no, it meant a lot. It’s just easier to forget, easier to forgive than be caught up in something I can’t change. It’s a relief to say, I’m okay. It may have cost a sleepless night and moments of insecurity, weakness, and doubt, but I’m better for it. I know I “fall” too fast, and I wear my heart on the sleeve. However, I’m learning my lesson: to guard myself, to distance myself, and ultimately, to put myself first. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want to need anyone. If I do, then it’s because they have changed me to the point where I am the better person.
What I thought I had, what I thought I gave, maybe it really was nothing. Overlooked by both parties. But I’ve learned my lesson. Never, never ever again.
You deserve better. I deserve better.